I posted the following thoughts exactly a year ago on the Monday before the twins were delivered. Nothing can tell you what I was feeling that week more clearly than what you'll read next.
The Space between Hello and Goodbye
Friday morning is hurtling toward me like a train. Its inevitable outcome is looming and although I throw out my arms to stop it, I know it will continue its course in spite of me or my wants or the desperate tears that leak out of my eyes at night.
There is no way to imagine what this space between hello and goodbye will look like, though I’ve tried many times to prepare myself.
I know there will be joy. Joy when I get to hold these little girls, placing pink hats on their heads, wrapping them in a soft blanket.
I know there will be tears. Tears that flow regardless of how long they live, whether it’s minutes or hours.
I know there will be love. I would never have chosen to carry these babies this long without believing that the best way to show them love was to give them a chance to live for as long as they could.
There will be pictures, mementos of the brief time we have together. Moments that we can pull out and look at and remember in the years to come. Hopefully we’ll share them with future children.
There will be the moment when we have to say goodbye, when their tiny bodies will be wheeled away, and all we will have left are the pictures, the hats, the blanket.
Many of us get fifty years or more to explore the space between birth and death. To live lives fully, to experience love, heartbreak, miracles, and pain. And we squander it. We worry about money. We worry about what other people think of us. We waste it by holding grudges and not asking others for help when we truly need it. We ignore the suffering of others and ignore the love of God.
I have such a short time with Amelie and Adaline. I want the time I spend with them to be different than the way I’ve often chosen to live my life prior to this year. I want to let go of the worry, the mistrust, the need to be in charge. For once I want to live in the moment. And I want it to be filled with love.
That moment is all I have this Friday.
Written on 9/17/12.
To follow the story, go here.
Facebook link is here.