This picture was taken about thirty minutes after the girls passed away. I don't remember why we were smiling, but I'm thankful there were moments of levity in that difficult morning.
On this morning, a year later, I got up at 6:15 to head to the hospital for a routine glucose test, something that I have to do about two-thirds of the way through my new pregnancy. I have a rare moment to myself here in the waiting room, so I thought I'd jot down a few thoughts.
Sometimes I think I give the impression through my writing that I spend my days crying or writing sentimental thoughts about life and death. You might even think that I'm really good at coping with emotions and tragedy.
People who know me have sometimes described me as emotionally detached. I'm not a hugger, and I don't have a huge capacity for empathy. I'm an introvert and need time away from others to process my thoughts. Smiles have never come easily to me, and I have very few close friends. This isn't to say I never smile or have a good time. . quite the opposite. . .but I have to work harder than normal to keep and maintain relationships.
Despite some of these emotional handicaps, I think I've dealt with my emotions pretty well this year. I've talked about my pain; I've cried when I've needed to cry (though usually I cry in weird places, like TGIFriday's during lunch. . .I sobbed into my salad plate and hid my face with napkins.)
The truth is, I suspect I might be angrier with God about the twins' deaths this week if I weren't twenty-nine weeks along with another child. I'd like to think that I would be content regardless of this new pregnancy, but I know myself too well.
The other day someone said to me that I deserved an easy pregnancy after my experience last year.
Although I wish that were true, I have to disagree. God doesn't owe me an easy pregnancy or a healthy child just because I lost two children last year. He doesn't owe me a single thing.
After the girls were born, I begged God for one more chance to have a child. I'm forty-one, so that clock is ticking loud and clear. He didn't have to give me one, but He did. And I'm grateful and worried and happy and anxious that everything will go smoothly. I'm grateful that with this new little boy, God has given me another chance to be a mom.
There's a verse in the Bible (Proverbs 13:12) that says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Here's another good one: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)
Thank you, God, my hope is no longer deferred.
The tears still come, but they are mixed with joy.
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